Eat Like an Asshole/Hobo and hands free Cooking while driving
Ok So if you want to make the “Five Guys loaded Chipotle Fries” as referenced in GIO #218 and #219 here are your instructions.
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#1 Find a Chipotle and Five Guys that share the same building/complex in your area if possible, if not hit up your local Chipotle first then make a drive to the local five guys.
#2 Come up with a good excuse/cover story, when buying the items at Chipotle I’ve found they get very curious about you only buying ingredients. If you want to add “guac and chips” to your order, I find homemade nachos is the best excuse, also they don’t have that on the menu so it can be used for a complex reverse judgement/guilt trip.
3# Purchase a “bowl” filled with the amount of cheese they put in a large quesadilla, you could add meat but I think you would need two different bowls as we need the cheese by itself. Get 1 side of Mild(pico), Sour Cream, and Guacamole(with or without chips).
4# Return your bag to your awaiting vehicle then proceed to the nearest Five Guys establishment, leave the Chipotle bag in the car so the employees don’t feel bad about their limited menu nor judge you for being fatter than you look. Purchase a Large fry and optional drink of your choice.
5# Return to your vehicle or nearby indoor/outdoor table ASAP!
6# Flip the Bowl
7# Prep Time
7 1/2# go back and get Extra Cheese if you didn’t eyeball them enough and they tried to short you like some punk.
8# Grab Yo Fries
9# Lay down an initial “support” layer
10# Time for the Cheese
11# Pat yourself on the back(not literally, your hand is probably greasy now), time for appropriately titled layer deuce and super deuce(3).
12# You should be able to now cover it without much “mashing”, put the lid on, with an angled approach, seal up around the rim, then close it, put it in your passenger seat, sunlight drenched dashboard, floor(gross, I do it) or anywhere you want, regardless these fuckers are going to cook from the fry heat alone, no weird grill or oven taste either.
13# Find a nice spot for some classic shame/intoxicated(not while Driving!)/workout nullification based eating and after 8min you can then top the now melted cheese covered fries as you wish, finished product should look something like this. WARNING, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO EAT ONLY THIS 3 DAYS IN A ROW!
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Future installments might include nothing or “How to remove gravel from your 711 parking lot burrito while on holiday”, “Why Wonderbread, Bacos and Miracle whip is always better with a leaf of Romaine”, “How to make your own SqueezIt throwback drinks” and “how to stay overweight while vegetarian”.